Oh-oh-oh, I think I’m in love with Beyonce’. No, not that way –I’m not outing myself, there’s no “out”, I’m boringly heterosexual. But I love, love, love her latest song* and I’m encouraging all of my “single lady” clients and sorta-single-but-don’t-really-know clients to buy it, download it, play it, watch the video, make the song their ringtone, make it their anthem. Chances are if Mr. Man doesn’t know what he wants, he doesn’t appreciate what he’s got.
In it’s catchy, can’t stop singin’ along way, this song reminds us all that men need to step up if they want to keep us. If they don’t want to, or don’t know, it’s ok for us – more, it’s healthy for us to move on. His manning up doesn’t have to mean he presents us with a literal engagement or wedding ring (depends on the couple and the circumstances), but he does need to speak up and say, “I want to be your one and only, and I want you to be mine.”
It’s empowering to know we deserve love, and respectful, loving treatment from our men. It’s a sign of self-confidence and knowledge of our self-worth to step back or step away from men who cant’ or won’t step all the way into a relationship, but don’t have the maturity and decency to step all the way out either.
And don’t start with the “but Dona, I don’t look like Beyonce’ ” stuff either. Guess what? Neither do I. Guess what? Neither do a lot of us. It’s not about looks – it’s about attitude – and I mean that word in the best possible sense. Put a little sassy in your chassis when you dance to the song, have some fun, and believe in yourself for approximately 3 minutes or so. Then give me a call to find out how your new attitude can improve your love life!
Love and peace,
Dona
*Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)
Experience a Tarot reading with me! Visit:Destiny Tarot®
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Ya Shoulda Put a Ring on It
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Setting Healthy Boundaries: Dealmakers or Dealbreakers?
Yesterday – the Dealmakers list, your own personal standards that express healthy, positive boundaries; that make your non-romantic relationships a source of happiness for you and enrich your life. Today – “don’ts” or the Dealbreakers list, the things that raise a red flag and make you seriously reconsider or step back from someone as a potential romantic partner. These boundaries are your own “line in the sand,” and knowing them before you become involved with someone can save you wasted time, tears, and heartache. Notice I didn’t say, “Before you become attracted”? Attraction can happen in an instant, without knowing a single thing about a person. Involvement however, is a choice.
I like to call the Dealbreakers “Get thee behind me, Mr. Unavailable”. Once you are clear for yourself on these, in combination with your Dealmakers, you’ll know your own standards and know whether the qualities and behaviors of a man you’re interested in are what you really want – before you become emotionally invested and involved.
The Dealbreakers list
First, think about the things that go into making a healthy romantic relationship and give it a good chance of developing and working for both people involved. Then think about the things you aren’t comfortable with, aren’t prepared to accept, that you dislike or that bother you when they are part of a relationship. This list is for you alone, so be honest and write them down in a short list. Be specific - i.e., no abuse (of any kind), the man isn’t married/attached, is not a player, etc., but don’t nitpick or try to nail down every possible trait/quality.
These are your standards – and your dating action plan. If the man doesn’t meet the basic standards at the get-go, or if you find he has stepped over the line or tested the boundaries you’ve identified as unacceptable to you, you need to take action. Real action is not a long discussion or an explanation/justification of yourself or your feelings. Run away, walk away or at the very least take one huge giant step backwards and stop. Your boundaries only mean as much to others as they do to you. If you won’t honor your own, it’s very unlikely that they will.
The behaviors you accept, rationalize, accommodate or excuse from the man in your life (or the one you’re hoping to have a relationship with), can quickly become the relationship standard or status quo and it’s much harder to reject a behavior once you’ve quietly accepted it. By rejecting the behavior, you give a man a choice – to respect you or to let you alone. And if he can’t respect you, what else can’t he do? Be emotionally, physically and spiritually available to you? Be kind, considerate, honest and trustworthy?
Natalie Lue, author of “Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl” states that emotionally unavailable men are adept at manipulating women and relationships to their advantage. She says, “The ability to get you to adapt to their dysfunctional behaviour is a masterstroke on their part.” But consider this. Could you be manipulated by a friend into stealing something or harming someone? Could they convince you to go against your own better judgment, ethics, your standards? And if they could, or would try – are they really your friend?
Healthy boundaries and personal standards work! They affirm that we respect ourselves, love ourselves and want those things in return from our relationships.
Love and peace,
Dona
“Mr. Unavailable”, “Fallback Girl” copyright Natalie Lue.
Experience a Tarot reading with me! Visit:Destiny Tarot®
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Setting Healthy Boundaries: Dealmakers or Dealbreakers?
I’ve been reading a great little e-book, “Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl” by Natalie Lue, who’s a very funny and extremely wise, common-sense kinda gal! The book inspired me to blog, so thank you Natalie! Although I’ve been in a great relationship with my Mr. Available for six years; it’s not so terribly long ago – well, about six and half years or so actually - that I was in a string of relationships with Mr. Unavailables. Yes indeed – been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt and the souvenir key ring.
One thing I found myself doing early on in my current relationship – quite by happy accident, since I rarely apply good common sense upfront and consciously in romantic matters, was:
- interacting with no assumptions or expectations, but a clear idea of my standards
- using the same standards that worked in non-romantic relationships with friends, family, co-workers, clients and the clerk at supermarket
- being comfortable and confident that my standards really reflected who I am as a person – how I treat people and how I like to be treated
Often we women have no trouble setting healthy boundaries in non-romantic relationships. So, the things we like and want in these relationships can serve as our “dos” or deal-makers. While it’s true that men and women communicate differently, we’re all human and there are some basics that facilitate healthy human interaction.
The Dealmakers list
To begin, think about the things that make your best (non-romantic) relationships work – what makes them enjoyable, desirable, fun, and worthwhile? You can write them down as a short list. Be specific - i.e., mutual honesty, consistency (doing what we say we will do, others doing what they say they will do) consideration (we take our own feelings and those of others into account). When both people in a relationship bring these qualities and behaviors to the table, a healthy relationship is usually the result.
Whether you realize it consciously or not, these are your standards – stated as positive boundaries. If there’s a big disconnect between these qualities – which help your non-romantic relationships work in a healthy way - and the behaviors you accept, rationalize, adjust for or excuse from the man in your life (or the one you’re hoping to have a romantic relationship with), this should raise a big, bright red flag. You may be setting yourself up for heartache with a “Mr. Unavailable”.
Part II: Dealbreakers, or “Get thee behind me, ‘Mr. Unavailable’”
Love and peace,
Dona
Experience a Tarot reading with me! Visit:Destiny Tarot®
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Would You Rather Be Right or Be Happy? ~Part II
As we know from Part I of this article and have known all along, men and women are different. In Part I we looked at some ways in which women reduce their awareness of what’s actually happening in a relationship with their Mr. Man (idealization, minimization and projection). While these will often create “false positives” in our perception, we can also create false negatives if we’re basing our behavior on negative thought patterns.
Just a note: While men can and do engage in these psychological processes to the detriment of their relationships with women, I am writing from a woman’s perspective and keeping the focus on what we as women can do in our communication and dealings with men to improve the quality of those interactions.
Perception Becomes Reality
Most of us experience some very negative feelings from relationships that have failed. Broken relationships can leave us feeling abandoned, can lessen our self-esteem and can make us feel that a happy, loving relationship is simply an impossible dream. If these feelings are temporary and we can move past them, they’re unlikely to do any permanent damage. However, these feelings can solidify into beliefs that survive the initial hurt and disappointment. Once that happens, they will influence our future experiences and lead to some of the following behaviors that hurt our chances for a happy relationship:
Seeking Approval and Validation
When our self-esteem is low, we women often engage in two behaviors. Approval seeking can take some subtle forms, but the underlying message is, “I’m OK, right? You like me and think I’m pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough to maybe love, don’t you?” While it’s wonderful to get praise and encouragement from our Mr. Man this message basically says, “If you don’t think (X, Y, Z) about me, I’m nothing.”
No healthy person wants to be held responsible for another’s core feelings and beliefs about themselves. It’s too big a responsibility to place on anyone, and it’s not their job.
Validation is getting outside confirmation that what we believe to be true about ourselves is in fact true. This can be a real double-edged sword, most particularly if we are holding negative beliefs about ourselves. The idea of the self-fulfilling prophecy applies here, as does the idea that we will (perhaps unconsciously) behave in ways that will bring about the desired confirmation.
These fear-driven behaviors will send a reasonably healthy man (and nearly anyone else) packing. They are attempts to control another even while the person engaging in them is feeling the most out-of-control herself. This often leads to one of the biggest “DON’TS” I can think of, and I call it:
Freak and Speak
So here you are, in the throes of fear, feeling out-of-control, and “knowing” that everything is doomed, including your relationship with Mr. Man. He’s going to abandon you, he doesn’t love you, he doesn’t want to ever speak to you again, and he’s finished with you. All of your worst fears about everything negative that can possibly go wrong in the relationship are screaming in your brain. You’re sick to your stomach, your palms are sweating and you’re in tears. You are officially “Freaking”.
So what do you do next? You Speak. You phone him up. If he answers, you proceed to babble hysterically about all the things you “know” are going on with him – because you’re feelings are telling you it’s all true, right? You tell him what he’s thinking and feeling, how he’s trying to leave you, how he’s doing you wrong and isn’t going to get away with it… Or you leave a message in his voicemail to that same effect. Or, you write him a twenty-page e-mail stating the same things.
For a moment, put yourself in the recipient’s shoes. True, he may have not called when he said he would, or he may have not shown up on time for your date, throwing the plans into chaos. These are not good things. These behaviors need to be addressed. However, if instead of addressing the specific bad behavior, you spew all of your feelings (your worst fears, in this case) the guy is going to say, “Huh?” Or maybe he won’t say anything, just shut down completely. And if you’re standing in his shoes, can you really blame him?
So, what can we do differently? Most men are problem-solvers by nature. Give him something that he can actually fix, a problem he can actually solve – and chances are, he’ll do it. Don’t ask him to fix what he can’t (your worst fears), and don’t assume he won’t change his behavior (that assumption comes from a negative belief).
So, what can we do differently? The “DO” I suggest is this:
Feel and Deal
We are entitled to all of our feelings – from the most positive to the most negative. Attempting to fight them often entrenches them more deeply, as “what we resist, persists.” Feelings are transient states; they will change if we acknowledge them, accept them and allow them to exist – simply by realizing that they are not permanent and are part of an ever-changing perception of reality.
What we aren’t entitled to do is act on every feeling we have and expect others to sort it all out for us, and make it all OK. Our feelings are ours. No one likes to be treated badly, disrespected or disappointed. But bad behavior does not necessarily have to mean that our worst fears are being realized. In fact, most often it doesn’t mean that at all. It is our job to differentiate how we feel about the specific bad behavior – then deal with that; from how we feel when we believe our worst fears are coming to pass, and deal with that.
If we are asking, forcing or demanding that the other person deal with our fears for us (which they can’t do and isn’t their responsibility) they won’t do it. Or if they do it, they will do it grudgingly and resentfully, and look for a way out of having to do it again in the future. If we are asking them to do something about their own behavior (which they can do and which is their responsibility), we are dealing with them fairly and giving them the chance to do the same with us. If they do, we will know something important about their character and about their feelings for us. If they don’t, we’ll still know something important about their character and about their feelings for us.
Stay tuned - this article will almost certainly have a Part III.
Love and peace,
Dona
Experience a Tarot reading with me! Visit:Destiny Tarot®
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Would You Rather Be Right or Be Happy?
Men and Women are different. Ok, I’ve said it and you’re ready to cruise right past this post because you know that. That’s no major revelation and there are no insights to be gained from such an obvious and clichéd observation. Stay with me – it gets better. I promise.
We meet and fall in love with Mr. Man. We know there’s a connection because we feel it, and we immediately assume two things: 1) that he feels it too and 2) that his feelings are exactly like ours and will be expressed exactly like ours. That’s what is supposed to happen, that is what should happen. Right? (Loud buzzer here) WRONG!
These assumptions are probably the biggest mistakes we make as women. I am NOT man-bashing. I don’t believe that all men are dogs, are only out for sex, or are emotionally unavailable and withholding. But while most (normal) men have the capacity to experience the full range of emotions just as we do, they are different – in the way they express those emotions (or don’t), and the way they act on those emotions (or don’t). As women, we may even know and accept this, at least intellectually; but we still find ourselves saying, “But if he would just share his innermost thoughts and feelings, if he would just ‘say the words’, if he would just…”
What we’re really saying at that point is “if he would just be like me, express himself as I do, and act as I do - there’d be NO problem.” We believe that we’re right and they’re wrong; that our way of being in the world and experiencing our feelings is the right one, theirs the wrong one. And if we insist on being right, we probably won’t be happy because a man is going to pick up on those beliefs and assumptions, start backpedaling like crazy or vanish altogether. In a way, we can’t blame him – who wants to be told they’re wrong?
Some interesting things happen for us when we fall in love. Some are biochemical and some are psychological. The psychological pitfalls can blind us to what’s really going on in the relationship and can keep us trapped in the assumptions that will derail the relationship.
Idealization/Minimization:
To idealize someone is to grace them with every desirable, positive quality we can imagine whether or not they actually possess any of these qualities. It’s to make them a paragon of perfection even though we all KNOW that no one is perfect; not them, not us. To minimize is to ignore, excuse, explain and make unimportant any undesirable or negative characteristic. These two processes are common to the early stages of falling in love with someone. They are the means by which we slap on a pair of designer blinders and staple them to our faces so they don’t fall off. And if we persist in them unaware of what we’re doing to ourselves, they will lead us to say and do things that are detrimental to our emotional well-being and happiness. Why? Because we won’t be seeing the real person or their actual behavior. We’ll be acting out a script of preconceived notions and they will be just the stage-dressing.
Projection:
To project is to attribute or put onto the other person our own thoughts, feelings, characteristics, intentions and motivations. If we persist in doing it unaware of what we’re doing; we will miss what is actually happening (or not) with the other person. In other words, we really won’t know what they’re thinking, feeling, what type of character they possess or what their intentions and motivations really are. Ironic, really - because that’s exactly what we say we WANT to know from men!
Happy or Right? How about Happy AND Right!
So what can we do to eliminate the pitfalls and mistakes we make and find out who this man is that we’re dealing with, and whether we really want to be dealing with him? How do we find out how he feels and what he thinks? It’s simpler than you may imagine.
Be Honest
First and above all, with yourself. If you don’t want a casual fling or a one night stand, know that. Don’t try to “shortcut” yourself or him into a deeply committed relationship by being physically intimate before you’re comfortable and ready to do so, thinking that will bond the two of you into a committed relationship. This isn't about "morality". For many women, sex equals commitment. For many men, sex does not equal commitment. Don’t assume that he wants the same things you want either generally (he’d like to settle down and marry the right woman, when he finds her) or specifically (that he decided the moment he met you that YOU are that woman). And don’t think that the fastest way to his heart is through his…er, um…yanno.
Set Realistic Standards
You’ve been honest with yourself and know you don’t want a casual fling or a one night stand. Good. Know also that a committed long-term relationship isn’t going to happen with every guy you meet nor will it happen overnight. Maybe once in a great while two people meet and instantly everything falls perfectly into place, they are lifelong partners forever after without a bump or a bobble. But let’s go on with the more usual process – which is that you two will need to get to know each other to find out whether or not this is “it”.
Have some minimum, basic requirements about his behavior matching what he says. If he says he will call and doesn’t, or if he cancels or won’t make dates until the last minute; don’t jump in to excuse or forgive too quickly. If it only happens once, there may be a valid reason for the slip. But you won’t find out if it’s truly a one-time occurrence or an emerging pattern unless you wait and see – patience in this case is truly a virtue! Hurrying to fix things and accept things that you don’t like or that disappoint you isn’t going to help; it’s going to hurt you and the relationship.
Listen more than you speak
Ah, if I could only take my own advice on this one! Maybe Mr. Man isn’t the chatty type (my Mr. Man sure isn’t). We women have a tendency to want to fill the gaps and break the silences, often to our detriment. But the patience and wisdom to allow the other person to speak in his own way and at his own pace – and to really listen to what he says – is a way to hit the mother lode in the Information Gold Mine.
It’s what we say we want from him, but we won’t get it if we expect and assume that he should chatter away with us the way our female friends do. Some men are talkative, but if you pay attention you will notice that usually what they’re talkative about isn’t how they’re feeling or their inner emotional experience. How and what he talks about – work, sports, hobbies, his likes and dislikes - can nonetheless yield a lot of important data on the kind of man he is. And that can tell you if he’s the kind of man for you!
I’m pretty sure there will be a Part II to this post – stay tuned!
Love and peace,
Dona
Experience a Tarot reading with me! Visit:Destiny Tarot®
