Setting Healthy Boundaries: Dealmakers or Dealbreakers?

I’ve been reading a great little e-book, “Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl” by Natalie Lue, who’s a very funny and extremely wise, common-sense kinda gal! The book inspired me to blog, so thank you Natalie! Although I’ve been in a great relationship with my Mr. Available for six years; it’s not so terribly long ago – well, about six and half years or so actually - that I was in a string of relationships with Mr. Unavailables. Yes indeed – been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt and the souvenir key ring.

One thing I found myself doing early on in my current relationship – quite by happy accident, since I rarely apply good common sense upfront and consciously in romantic matters, was:

- interacting with no assumptions or expectations, but a clear idea of my standards
- using the same standards that worked in non-romantic relationships with friends, family, co-workers, clients and the clerk at supermarket
- being comfortable and confident that my standards really reflected who I am as a person – how I treat people and how I like to be treated

Often we women have no trouble setting healthy boundaries in non-romantic relationships. So, the things we like and want in these relationships can serve as our “dos” or deal-makers. While it’s true that men and women communicate differently, we’re all human and there are some basics that facilitate healthy human interaction.

The Dealmakers list
To begin, think about the things that make your best (non-romantic) relationships work – what makes them enjoyable, desirable, fun, and worthwhile? You can write them down as a short list. Be specific - i.e., mutual honesty, consistency (doing what we say we will do, others doing what they say they will do) consideration (we take our own feelings and those of others into account). When both people in a relationship bring these qualities and behaviors to the table, a healthy relationship is usually the result.

Whether you realize it consciously or not, these are your standards – stated as positive boundaries. If there’s a big disconnect between these qualities – which help your non-romantic relationships work in a healthy way - and the behaviors you accept, rationalize, adjust for or excuse from the man in your life (or the one you’re hoping to have a romantic relationship with), this should raise a big, bright red flag. You may be setting yourself up for heartache with a “Mr. Unavailable”.

Part II: Dealbreakers, or “Get thee behind me, ‘Mr. Unavailable’”

Love and peace,
Dona

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“Mr. Unavailable”, “Fallback Girl” copyright Natalie Lue.

Destiny Tarot® Copyright 2008 by Dona C. Murphy. All rights reserved.