Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Would You Rather Be Right or Be Happy? ~Part II

As we know from Part I of this article and have known all along, men and women are different. In Part I we looked at some ways in which women reduce their awareness of what’s actually happening in a relationship with their Mr. Man (idealization, minimization and projection). While these will often create “false positives” in our perception, we can also create false negatives if we’re basing our behavior on negative thought patterns.

Just a note: While men can and do engage in these psychological processes to the detriment of their relationships with women, I am writing from a woman’s perspective and keeping the focus on what we as women can do in our communication and dealings with men to improve the quality of those interactions.

Perception Becomes Reality

Most of us experience some very negative feelings from relationships that have failed. Broken relationships can leave us feeling abandoned, can lessen our self-esteem and can make us feel that a happy, loving relationship is simply an impossible dream. If these feelings are temporary and we can move past them, they’re unlikely to do any permanent damage. However, these feelings can solidify into beliefs that survive the initial hurt and disappointment. Once that happens, they will influence our future experiences and lead to some of the following behaviors that hurt our chances for a happy relationship:

Seeking Approval and Validation

When our self-esteem is low, we women often engage in two behaviors. Approval seeking can take some subtle forms, but the underlying message is, “I’m OK, right? You like me and think I’m pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough to maybe love, don’t you?” While it’s wonderful to get praise and encouragement from our Mr. Man this message basically says, “If you don’t think (X, Y, Z) about me, I’m nothing.”
No healthy person wants to be held responsible for another’s core feelings and beliefs about themselves. It’s too big a responsibility to place on anyone, and it’s not their job.

Validation is getting outside confirmation that what we believe to be true about ourselves is in fact true. This can be a real double-edged sword, most particularly if we are holding negative beliefs about ourselves. The idea of the self-fulfilling prophecy applies here, as does the idea that we will (perhaps unconsciously) behave in ways that will bring about the desired confirmation.

These fear-driven behaviors will send a reasonably healthy man (and nearly anyone else) packing. They are attempts to control another even while the person engaging in them is feeling the most out-of-control herself. This often leads to one of the biggest “DON’TS” I can think of, and I call it:

Freak and Speak
So here you are, in the throes of fear, feeling out-of-control, and “knowing” that everything is doomed, including your relationship with Mr. Man. He’s going to abandon you, he doesn’t love you, he doesn’t want to ever speak to you again, and he’s finished with you. All of your worst fears about everything negative that can possibly go wrong in the relationship are screaming in your brain. You’re sick to your stomach, your palms are sweating and you’re in tears. You are officially “Freaking”.

So what do you do next? You Speak. You phone him up. If he answers, you proceed to babble hysterically about all the things you “know” are going on with him – because you’re feelings are telling you it’s all true, right? You tell him what he’s thinking and feeling, how he’s trying to leave you, how he’s doing you wrong and isn’t going to get away with it… Or you leave a message in his voicemail to that same effect. Or, you write him a twenty-page e-mail stating the same things.

For a moment, put yourself in the recipient’s shoes. True, he may have not called when he said he would, or he may have not shown up on time for your date, throwing the plans into chaos. These are not good things. These behaviors need to be addressed. However, if instead of addressing the specific bad behavior, you spew all of your feelings (your worst fears, in this case) the guy is going to say, “Huh?” Or maybe he won’t say anything, just shut down completely. And if you’re standing in his shoes, can you really blame him?

So, what can we do differently? Most men are problem-solvers by nature. Give him something that he can actually fix, a problem he can actually solve – and chances are, he’ll do it. Don’t ask him to fix what he can’t (your worst fears), and don’t assume he won’t change his behavior (that assumption comes from a negative belief).

So, what can we do differently? The “DO” I suggest is this:

Feel and Deal
We are entitled to all of our feelings – from the most positive to the most negative. Attempting to fight them often entrenches them more deeply, as “what we resist, persists.” Feelings are transient states; they will change if we acknowledge them, accept them and allow them to exist – simply by realizing that they are not permanent and are part of an ever-changing perception of reality.

What we aren’t entitled to do is act on every feeling we have and expect others to sort it all out for us, and make it all OK. Our feelings are ours. No one likes to be treated badly, disrespected or disappointed. But bad behavior does not necessarily have to mean that our worst fears are being realized. In fact, most often it doesn’t mean that at all. It is our job to differentiate how we feel about the specific bad behavior – then deal with that; from how we feel when we believe our worst fears are coming to pass, and deal with that.

If we are asking, forcing or demanding that the other person deal with our fears for us (which they can’t do and isn’t their responsibility) they won’t do it. Or if they do it, they will do it grudgingly and resentfully, and look for a way out of having to do it again in the future. If we are asking them to do something about their own behavior (which they can do and which is their responsibility), we are dealing with them fairly and giving them the chance to do the same with us. If they do, we will know something important about their character and about their feelings for us. If they don’t, we’ll still know something important about their character and about their feelings for us.

See? You can be right AND be happy.


Stay tuned - this article will almost certainly have a Part III.

Love and peace,
Dona


Experience a Tarot reading with me! Visit:Destiny Tarot®



Destiny Tarot® Copyright 2007 by Dona C. Murphy. All rights reserved.


Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Would You Rather Be Right or Be Happy?

Men and Women are different. Ok, I’ve said it and you’re ready to cruise right past this post because you know that. That’s no major revelation and there are no insights to be gained from such an obvious and clichéd observation. Stay with me – it gets better. I promise.

We meet and fall in love with Mr. Man. We know there’s a connection because we feel it, and we immediately assume two things: 1) that he feels it too and 2) that his feelings are exactly like ours and will be expressed exactly like ours. That’s what is supposed to happen, that is what should happen. Right? (Loud buzzer here) WRONG!

These assumptions are probably the biggest mistakes we make as women. I am NOT man-bashing. I don’t believe that all men are dogs, are only out for sex, or are emotionally unavailable and withholding. But while most (normal) men have the capacity to experience the full range of emotions just as we do, they are different – in the way they express those emotions (or don’t), and the way they act on those emotions (or don’t). As women, we may even know and accept this, at least intellectually; but we still find ourselves saying, “But if he would just share his innermost thoughts and feelings, if he would just ‘say the words’, if he would just…”

What we’re really saying at that point is “if he would just be like me, express himself as I do, and act as I do - there’d be NO problem.” We believe that we’re right and they’re wrong; that our way of being in the world and experiencing our feelings is the right one, theirs the wrong one. And if we insist on being right, we probably won’t be happy because a man is going to pick up on those beliefs and assumptions, start backpedaling like crazy or vanish altogether. In a way, we can’t blame him – who wants to be told they’re wrong?

Some interesting things happen for us when we fall in love. Some are biochemical and some are psychological. The psychological pitfalls can blind us to what’s really going on in the relationship and can keep us trapped in the assumptions that will derail the relationship.

Idealization/Minimization:
To idealize someone is to grace them with every desirable, positive quality we can imagine whether or not they actually possess any of these qualities. It’s to make them a paragon of perfection even though we all KNOW that no one is perfect; not them, not us. To minimize is to ignore, excuse, explain and make unimportant any undesirable or negative characteristic. These two processes are common to the early stages of falling in love with someone. They are the means by which we slap on a pair of designer blinders and staple them to our faces so they don’t fall off. And if we persist in them unaware of what we’re doing to ourselves, they will lead us to say and do things that are detrimental to our emotional well-being and happiness. Why? Because we won’t be seeing the real person or their actual behavior. We’ll be acting out a script of preconceived notions and they will be just the stage-dressing.

Projection:
To project is to attribute or put onto the other person our own thoughts, feelings, characteristics, intentions and motivations. If we persist in doing it unaware of what we’re doing; we will miss what is actually happening (or not) with the other person. In other words, we really won’t know what they’re thinking, feeling, what type of character they possess or what their intentions and motivations really are. Ironic, really - because that’s exactly what we say we WANT to know from men!

Happy or Right? How about Happy AND Right!
So what can we do to eliminate the pitfalls and mistakes we make and find out who this man is that we’re dealing with, and whether we really want to be dealing with him? How do we find out how he feels and what he thinks? It’s simpler than you may imagine.

Be Honest
First and above all, with yourself. If you don’t want a casual fling or a one night stand, know that. Don’t try to “shortcut” yourself or him into a deeply committed relationship by being physically intimate before you’re comfortable and ready to do so, thinking that will bond the two of you into a committed relationship. This isn't about "morality". For many women, sex equals commitment. For many men, sex does not equal commitment. Don’t assume that he wants the same things you want either generally (he’d like to settle down and marry the right woman, when he finds her) or specifically (that he decided the moment he met you that YOU are that woman). And don’t think that the fastest way to his heart is through his…er, um…yanno.

Set Realistic Standards
You’ve been honest with yourself and know you don’t want a casual fling or a one night stand. Good. Know also that a committed long-term relationship isn’t going to happen with every guy you meet nor will it happen overnight. Maybe once in a great while two people meet and instantly everything falls perfectly into place, they are lifelong partners forever after without a bump or a bobble. But let’s go on with the more usual process – which is that you two will need to get to know each other to find out whether or not this is “it”.

Have some minimum, basic requirements about his behavior matching what he says. If he says he will call and doesn’t, or if he cancels or won’t make dates until the last minute; don’t jump in to excuse or forgive too quickly. If it only happens once, there may be a valid reason for the slip. But you won’t find out if it’s truly a one-time occurrence or an emerging pattern unless you wait and see – patience in this case is truly a virtue! Hurrying to fix things and accept things that you don’t like or that disappoint you isn’t going to help; it’s going to hurt you and the relationship.

Listen more than you speak
Ah, if I could only take my own advice on this one! Maybe Mr. Man isn’t the chatty type (my Mr. Man sure isn’t). We women have a tendency to want to fill the gaps and break the silences, often to our detriment. But the patience and wisdom to allow the other person to speak in his own way and at his own pace – and to really listen to what he says – is a way to hit the mother lode in the Information Gold Mine.

It’s what we say we want from him, but we won’t get it if we expect and assume that he should chatter away with us the way our female friends do. Some men are talkative, but if you pay attention you will notice that usually what they’re talkative about isn’t how they’re feeling or their inner emotional experience. How and what he talks about – work, sports, hobbies, his likes and dislikes - can nonetheless yield a lot of important data on the kind of man he is. And that can tell you if he’s the kind of man for you!

I’m pretty sure there will be a Part II to this post – stay tuned!



Love and peace,
Dona




Experience a Tarot reading with me! Visit:Destiny Tarot®




Destiny Tarot® Copyright 2007 by Dona C. Murphy. All rights reserved.



Sunday, June 3, 2007

Don’t Let Their Baggage Become Your Carry-On

That’s Mr. Man’s or Ms. Herself’s emotional baggage, of course. We’ve all had some of our own to carry, since no one gets through life unscathed by broken relationships, broken promises and broken hearts. Many of us have learned that we can choose when to stop carrying that beat-up old backpack or that full set of matching Louis Vuitton; to conveniently lose the claim check and leave that stuff slowly rotating on the carousel at the airport.

I believe that we attract what we are emotionally and vibrationally, but I also know that when interacting with others especially in romantic relationships; we can blur our boundaries. Next thing you know, instead of attracting someone with a high vibration, we’ve allowed ourselves to be drawn into the lower vibration of the Drama Queen or King. This is not to say that the emotional problems he or she is experiencing aren’t real, although many people are adept at blowing the tiniest thing out of proportion in order to gain attention and sympathy. Or, they’re using the problem as a way to avoid personal responsibility, commitment, accountability and intimacy.

Big or small, real or imagined, the problem – that emotional baggage – is theirs.

You’re a loving, compassionate, evolved person so your first impulse may be to help. If you pick up the burden, sling it over your shoulder or strap it to your back, you’re not providing real help, you’re enabling. If they let you do it, they don’t want real help, and they want someone with whom to play the game: Rescuer (that’d be you) and Victim (that’d be him or her).

In the game, you get to provide support, encouragement, understanding and infinite patience while trying to provide enough emotional energy for you both in order to sustain and maintain the relationship. They get to wallow in self-pity and inadequacy, and continue to play the role of emotional wreck - damaged and helpless. The game gets old when you resent the fact that the Victim isn’t getting it together no matter what you do, and they resent that you don’t want to remain the Rescuer on a full-time, permanent basis.

If you truly want to help, set healthy boundaries and stick to them. Can you still offer support, encouragement, understanding and patience? Absolutely! When appropriate, offer suggestions or ideas for solving problems and healing past hurt. Then, watch and listen. If they are truly ready to be assisted in helping themselves, they will respect and appreciate what you’re doing. Whether by implementing your ideas and suggestions or coming up with their own, they will begin to take problem-solving action. They will begin the journey toward healing themselves and releasing the past. The two of you may then be able to journey together: each carrying what you need, unnecessary junk left behind, and traveling light.


Love and peace,
Dona

Experience a Tarot reading with me! Visit:Destiny Tarot®

Destiny Tarot® Copyright 2007 by Dona C. Murphy. All rights reserved.


Friday, June 1, 2007

My Karma Ran Over My Dogma!

“I don’t believe in karma!” read a post I saw recently on one of the several online discussion groups to which I belong. My first thought in response to that was the tongue-firmly-in-cheek saying that became the title of this article. We certainly can believe or disbelieve in whatever we choose, but no one put it better than Daniel Moynihan: “Everyone is entitled to his own opinion. He is not entitled to his own facts.” I’m sure there are people out there who don’t believe in the law of gravity. There are probably some who hold so adamantly to that belief that they jump off cliffs secure in the knowledge that they won’t plummet to earth and splatter like an overripe tomato on the ground below. Um…, good luck with that.

Karma is a law, like the law of gravity. True, one is a spiritual law and the other physical, but as above, so below. They are both impersonal and operate whether we choose to believe in them or not. The word karma is Sanskrit and literally means deed or action; its concept is rooted in Eastern religious philosophies – Hinduism, Buddhism and others. But esoteric Christianity and Rosicrucianism teach a very similar principle, "the Law of Cause and Consequence/Effect".

Karma balances, karma levels. When our dogma – those points of view, opinions or beliefs we hold with conviction and certainty even without adequate grounds to support them – meets up with the Great Equalizer the revelations can be both shattering and enlightening. Change comes whether we want it or not, whether we’re prepared for it or not, whether we’re accepting of it or not.

When our karma runs over our dogma, the moment can feel like the rubber meeting the road, taking us over the speed bump to roll on forward; or it can feel like we’re going over the cliff, to splatter like the tomato as we land. Our actions create dynamic causes and effects; the only true constant is change.

Gentlemen (and Gentlewomen), start your engines!


Love and peace,
Dona


Experience a Tarot reading with me! Visit:Destiny Tarot®



Destiny Tarot® Copyright 2007 by Dona C. Murphy. All rights reserved.


Just For Fun! Astrology After-Sex Talk

I can’t take the credit for writing them, but I recently received this e-mail and it gave me a good laugh so I wanted to share it. Recognize yourself? Your Significant Other? Your Ex? A really awkward ONS* (gasp!)? I know there’s more to astrological compatibility than sun sign pillow-talk but if these were real, they’d tell you a lot about the relationship!


Aries:
"Okay, let's do it again!"

Taurus:
"I'm hungry, pass the pizza."

Gemini:
"Have you seen the remote?"

Cancer:
"When are we getting married?"

Leo:
"Wasn't I fantastic?"

Virgo:
"I need to wash the sheets."

Libra:
"I liked it if you liked it."

Scorpio:
"Perhaps I should untie you."

Sagittarius:
"Don't call me I'll call you."

Capricorn:
"Do you have a business card?"

Aquarius:
"Now let's try it with our clothes off!"

Pisces:
"What did you say your name was again?"

*OneNight Stand


Enjoy and feel free to share :)

Love and peace,
Dona


Experience a Tarot reading with me! Visit:Destiny Tarot®



Destiny Tarot® Copyright 2007 by Dona C. Murphy. All rights reserved.