Would You Rather Be Right or Be Happy?

Men and Women are different. Ok, I’ve said it and you’re ready to cruise right past this post because you know that. That’s no major revelation and there are no insights to be gained from such an obvious and clichéd observation. Stay with me – it gets better. I promise.

We meet and fall in love with Mr. Man. We know there’s a connection because we feel it, and we immediately assume two things: 1) that he feels it too and 2) that his feelings are exactly like ours and will be expressed exactly like ours. That’s what is supposed to happen, that is what should happen. Right? (Loud buzzer here) WRONG!

These assumptions are probably the biggest mistakes we make as women. I am NOT man-bashing. I don’t believe that all men are dogs, are only out for sex, or are emotionally unavailable and withholding. But while most (normal) men have the capacity to experience the full range of emotions just as we do, they are different – in the way they express those emotions (or don’t), and the way they act on those emotions (or don’t). As women, we may even know and accept this, at least intellectually; but we still find ourselves saying, “But if he would just share his innermost thoughts and feelings, if he would just ‘say the words’, if he would just…”

What we’re really saying at that point is “if he would just be like me, express himself as I do, and act as I do - there’d be NO problem.” We believe that we’re right and they’re wrong; that our way of being in the world and experiencing our feelings is the right one, theirs the wrong one. And if we insist on being right, we probably won’t be happy because a man is going to pick up on those beliefs and assumptions, start backpedaling like crazy or vanish altogether. In a way, we can’t blame him – who wants to be told they’re wrong?

Some interesting things happen for us when we fall in love. Some are biochemical and some are psychological. The psychological pitfalls can blind us to what’s really going on in the relationship and can keep us trapped in the assumptions that will derail the relationship.

Idealization/Minimization:
To idealize someone is to grace them with every desirable, positive quality we can imagine whether or not they actually possess any of these qualities. It’s to make them a paragon of perfection even though we all KNOW that no one is perfect; not them, not us. To minimize is to ignore, excuse, explain and make unimportant any undesirable or negative characteristic. These two processes are common to the early stages of falling in love with someone. They are the means by which we slap on a pair of designer blinders and staple them to our faces so they don’t fall off. And if we persist in them unaware of what we’re doing to ourselves, they will lead us to say and do things that are detrimental to our emotional well-being and happiness. Why? Because we won’t be seeing the real person or their actual behavior. We’ll be acting out a script of preconceived notions and they will be just the stage-dressing.

Projection:
To project is to attribute or put onto the other person our own thoughts, feelings, characteristics, intentions and motivations. If we persist in doing it unaware of what we’re doing; we will miss what is actually happening (or not) with the other person. In other words, we really won’t know what they’re thinking, feeling, what type of character they possess or what their intentions and motivations really are. Ironic, really - because that’s exactly what we say we WANT to know from men!

Happy or Right? How about Happy AND Right!
So what can we do to eliminate the pitfalls and mistakes we make and find out who this man is that we’re dealing with, and whether we really want to be dealing with him? How do we find out how he feels and what he thinks? It’s simpler than you may imagine.

Be Honest
First and above all, with yourself. If you don’t want a casual fling or a one night stand, know that. Don’t try to “shortcut” yourself or him into a deeply committed relationship by being physically intimate before you’re comfortable and ready to do so, thinking that will bond the two of you into a committed relationship. This isn't about "morality". For many women, sex equals commitment. For many men, sex does not equal commitment. Don’t assume that he wants the same things you want either generally (he’d like to settle down and marry the right woman, when he finds her) or specifically (that he decided the moment he met you that YOU are that woman). And don’t think that the fastest way to his heart is through his…er, um…yanno.

Set Realistic Standards
You’ve been honest with yourself and know you don’t want a casual fling or a one night stand. Good. Know also that a committed long-term relationship isn’t going to happen with every guy you meet nor will it happen overnight. Maybe once in a great while two people meet and instantly everything falls perfectly into place, they are lifelong partners forever after without a bump or a bobble. But let’s go on with the more usual process – which is that you two will need to get to know each other to find out whether or not this is “it”.

Have some minimum, basic requirements about his behavior matching what he says. If he says he will call and doesn’t, or if he cancels or won’t make dates until the last minute; don’t jump in to excuse or forgive too quickly. If it only happens once, there may be a valid reason for the slip. But you won’t find out if it’s truly a one-time occurrence or an emerging pattern unless you wait and see – patience in this case is truly a virtue! Hurrying to fix things and accept things that you don’t like or that disappoint you isn’t going to help; it’s going to hurt you and the relationship.

Listen more than you speak
Ah, if I could only take my own advice on this one! Maybe Mr. Man isn’t the chatty type (my Mr. Man sure isn’t). We women have a tendency to want to fill the gaps and break the silences, often to our detriment. But the patience and wisdom to allow the other person to speak in his own way and at his own pace – and to really listen to what he says – is a way to hit the mother lode in the Information Gold Mine.

It’s what we say we want from him, but we won’t get it if we expect and assume that he should chatter away with us the way our female friends do. Some men are talkative, but if you pay attention you will notice that usually what they’re talkative about isn’t how they’re feeling or their inner emotional experience. How and what he talks about – work, sports, hobbies, his likes and dislikes - can nonetheless yield a lot of important data on the kind of man he is. And that can tell you if he’s the kind of man for you!

I’m pretty sure there will be a Part II to this post – stay tuned!



Love and peace,
Dona




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