As we know from Part I of this article and have known all along, men and women are different. In Part I we looked at some ways in which women reduce their awareness of what’s actually happening in a relationship with their Mr. Man (idealization, minimization and projection). While these will often create “false positives” in our perception, we can also create false negatives if we’re basing our behavior on negative thought patterns.
Just a note: While men can and do engage in these psychological processes to the detriment of their relationships with women, I am writing from a woman’s perspective and keeping the focus on what we as women can do in our communication and dealings with men to improve the quality of those interactions.
Perception Becomes Reality
Most of us experience some very negative feelings from relationships that have failed. Broken relationships can leave us feeling abandoned, can lessen our self-esteem and can make us feel that a happy, loving relationship is simply an impossible dream. If these feelings are temporary and we can move past them, they’re unlikely to do any permanent damage. However, these feelings can solidify into beliefs that survive the initial hurt and disappointment. Once that happens, they will influence our future experiences and lead to some of the following behaviors that hurt our chances for a happy relationship:
Seeking Approval and Validation
When our self-esteem is low, we women often engage in two behaviors. Approval seeking can take some subtle forms, but the underlying message is, “I’m OK, right? You like me and think I’m pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough to maybe love, don’t you?” While it’s wonderful to get praise and encouragement from our Mr. Man this message basically says, “If you don’t think (X, Y, Z) about me, I’m nothing.”
No healthy person wants to be held responsible for another’s core feelings and beliefs about themselves. It’s too big a responsibility to place on anyone, and it’s not their job.
Validation is getting outside confirmation that what we believe to be true about ourselves is in fact true. This can be a real double-edged sword, most particularly if we are holding negative beliefs about ourselves. The idea of the self-fulfilling prophecy applies here, as does the idea that we will (perhaps unconsciously) behave in ways that will bring about the desired confirmation.
These fear-driven behaviors will send a reasonably healthy man (and nearly anyone else) packing. They are attempts to control another even while the person engaging in them is feeling the most out-of-control herself. This often leads to one of the biggest “DON’TS” I can think of, and I call it:
Freak and Speak
So here you are, in the throes of fear, feeling out-of-control, and “knowing” that everything is doomed, including your relationship with Mr. Man. He’s going to abandon you, he doesn’t love you, he doesn’t want to ever speak to you again, and he’s finished with you. All of your worst fears about everything negative that can possibly go wrong in the relationship are screaming in your brain. You’re sick to your stomach, your palms are sweating and you’re in tears. You are officially “Freaking”.
So what do you do next? You Speak. You phone him up. If he answers, you proceed to babble hysterically about all the things you “know” are going on with him – because you’re feelings are telling you it’s all true, right? You tell him what he’s thinking and feeling, how he’s trying to leave you, how he’s doing you wrong and isn’t going to get away with it… Or you leave a message in his voicemail to that same effect. Or, you write him a twenty-page e-mail stating the same things.
For a moment, put yourself in the recipient’s shoes. True, he may have not called when he said he would, or he may have not shown up on time for your date, throwing the plans into chaos. These are not good things. These behaviors need to be addressed. However, if instead of addressing the specific bad behavior, you spew all of your feelings (your worst fears, in this case) the guy is going to say, “Huh?” Or maybe he won’t say anything, just shut down completely. And if you’re standing in his shoes, can you really blame him?
So, what can we do differently? Most men are problem-solvers by nature. Give him something that he can actually fix, a problem he can actually solve – and chances are, he’ll do it. Don’t ask him to fix what he can’t (your worst fears), and don’t assume he won’t change his behavior (that assumption comes from a negative belief).
So, what can we do differently? The “DO” I suggest is this:
Feel and Deal
We are entitled to all of our feelings – from the most positive to the most negative. Attempting to fight them often entrenches them more deeply, as “what we resist, persists.” Feelings are transient states; they will change if we acknowledge them, accept them and allow them to exist – simply by realizing that they are not permanent and are part of an ever-changing perception of reality.
What we aren’t entitled to do is act on every feeling we have and expect others to sort it all out for us, and make it all OK. Our feelings are ours. No one likes to be treated badly, disrespected or disappointed. But bad behavior does not necessarily have to mean that our worst fears are being realized. In fact, most often it doesn’t mean that at all. It is our job to differentiate how we feel about the specific bad behavior – then deal with that; from how we feel when we believe our worst fears are coming to pass, and deal with that.
If we are asking, forcing or demanding that the other person deal with our fears for us (which they can’t do and isn’t their responsibility) they won’t do it. Or if they do it, they will do it grudgingly and resentfully, and look for a way out of having to do it again in the future. If we are asking them to do something about their own behavior (which they can do and which is their responsibility), we are dealing with them fairly and giving them the chance to do the same with us. If they do, we will know something important about their character and about their feelings for us. If they don’t, we’ll still know something important about their character and about their feelings for us.
Stay tuned - this article will almost certainly have a Part III.
Love and peace,
Dona
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