Setting Healthy Boundaries: Dealmakers or Dealbreakers?

Yesterday – the Dealmakers list, your own personal standards that express healthy, positive boundaries; that make your non-romantic relationships a source of happiness for you and enrich your life. Today – “don’ts” or the Dealbreakers list, the things that raise a red flag and make you seriously reconsider or step back from someone as a potential romantic partner. These boundaries are your own “line in the sand,” and knowing them before you become involved with someone can save you wasted time, tears, and heartache. Notice I didn’t say, “Before you become attracted”? Attraction can happen in an instant, without knowing a single thing about a person. Involvement however, is a choice.

I like to call the Dealbreakers “Get thee behind me, Mr. Unavailable”. Once you are clear for yourself on these, in combination with your Dealmakers, you’ll know your own standards and know whether the qualities and behaviors of a man you’re interested in are what you really want – before you become emotionally invested and involved.

The Dealbreakers list

First, think about the things that go into making a healthy romantic relationship and give it a good chance of developing and working for both people involved. Then think about the things you aren’t comfortable with, aren’t prepared to accept, that you dislike or that bother you when they are part of a relationship. This list is for you alone, so be honest and write them down in a short list. Be specific - i.e., no abuse (of any kind), the man isn’t married/attached, is not a player, etc., but don’t nitpick or try to nail down every possible trait/quality.

These are your standards – and your dating action plan. If the man doesn’t meet the basic standards at the get-go, or if you find he has stepped over the line or tested the boundaries you’ve identified as unacceptable to you, you need to take action. Real action is not a long discussion or an explanation/justification of yourself or your feelings. Run away, walk away or at the very least take one huge giant step backwards and stop. Your boundaries only mean as much to others as they do to you. If you won’t honor your own, it’s very unlikely that they will.

The behaviors you accept, rationalize, accommodate or excuse from the man in your life (or the one you’re hoping to have a relationship with), can quickly become the relationship standard or status quo and it’s much harder to reject a behavior once you’ve quietly accepted it. By rejecting the behavior, you give a man a choice – to respect you or to let you alone. And if he can’t respect you, what else can’t he do? Be emotionally, physically and spiritually available to you? Be kind, considerate, honest and trustworthy?

Natalie Lue, author of “Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl” states that emotionally unavailable men are adept at manipulating women and relationships to their advantage. She says, “The ability to get you to adapt to their dysfunctional behaviour is a masterstroke on their part.” But consider this. Could you be manipulated by a friend into stealing something or harming someone? Could they convince you to go against your own better judgment, ethics, your standards? And if they could, or would try – are they really your friend?

Healthy boundaries and personal standards work! They affirm that we respect ourselves, love ourselves and want those things in return from our relationships.


Love and peace,
Dona


“Mr. Unavailable”, “Fallback Girl” copyright Natalie Lue.


Experience a Tarot reading with me! Visit:Destiny Tarot®

Destiny Tarot® Copyright 2008 by Dona C. Murphy. All rights reserved.