Yesterday – the Dealmakers list, your own personal standards that express healthy, positive boundaries; that make your non-romantic relationships a source of happiness for you and enrich your life. Today – “don’ts” or the Dealbreakers list, the things that raise a red flag and make you seriously reconsider or step back from someone as a potential romantic partner. These boundaries are your own “line in the sand,” and knowing them before you become involved with someone can save you wasted time, tears, and heartache. Notice I didn’t say, “Before you become attracted”? Attraction can happen in an instant, without knowing a single thing about a person. Involvement however, is a choice.
I like to call the Dealbreakers “Get thee behind me, Mr. Unavailable”. Once you are clear for yourself on these, in combination with your Dealmakers, you’ll know your own standards and know whether the qualities and behaviors of a man you’re interested in are what you really want – before you become emotionally invested and involved.
The Dealbreakers list
First, think about the things that go into making a healthy romantic relationship and give it a good chance of developing and working for both people involved. Then think about the things you aren’t comfortable with, aren’t prepared to accept, that you dislike or that bother you when they are part of a relationship. This list is for you alone, so be honest and write them down in a short list. Be specific - i.e., no abuse (of any kind), the man isn’t married/attached, is not a player, etc., but don’t nitpick or try to nail down every possible trait/quality.
These are your standards – and your dating action plan. If the man doesn’t meet the basic standards at the get-go, or if you find he has stepped over the line or tested the boundaries you’ve identified as unacceptable to you, you need to take action. Real action is not a long discussion or an explanation/justification of yourself or your feelings. Run away, walk away or at the very least take one huge giant step backwards and stop. Your boundaries only mean as much to others as they do to you. If you won’t honor your own, it’s very unlikely that they will.
The behaviors you accept, rationalize, accommodate or excuse from the man in your life (or the one you’re hoping to have a relationship with), can quickly become the relationship standard or status quo and it’s much harder to reject a behavior once you’ve quietly accepted it. By rejecting the behavior, you give a man a choice – to respect you or to let you alone. And if he can’t respect you, what else can’t he do? Be emotionally, physically and spiritually available to you? Be kind, considerate, honest and trustworthy?
Natalie Lue, author of “Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl” states that emotionally unavailable men are adept at manipulating women and relationships to their advantage. She says, “The ability to get you to adapt to their dysfunctional behaviour is a masterstroke on their part.” But consider this. Could you be manipulated by a friend into stealing something or harming someone? Could they convince you to go against your own better judgment, ethics, your standards? And if they could, or would try – are they really your friend?
Healthy boundaries and personal standards work! They affirm that we respect ourselves, love ourselves and want those things in return from our relationships.
Love and peace,
Dona
“Mr. Unavailable”, “Fallback Girl” copyright Natalie Lue.
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Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Setting Healthy Boundaries: Dealmakers or Dealbreakers?
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Setting Healthy Boundaries: Dealmakers or Dealbreakers?
I’ve been reading a great little e-book, “Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl” by Natalie Lue, who’s a very funny and extremely wise, common-sense kinda gal! The book inspired me to blog, so thank you Natalie! Although I’ve been in a great relationship with my Mr. Available for six years; it’s not so terribly long ago – well, about six and half years or so actually - that I was in a string of relationships with Mr. Unavailables. Yes indeed – been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt and the souvenir key ring.
One thing I found myself doing early on in my current relationship – quite by happy accident, since I rarely apply good common sense upfront and consciously in romantic matters, was:
- interacting with no assumptions or expectations, but a clear idea of my standards
- using the same standards that worked in non-romantic relationships with friends, family, co-workers, clients and the clerk at supermarket
- being comfortable and confident that my standards really reflected who I am as a person – how I treat people and how I like to be treated
Often we women have no trouble setting healthy boundaries in non-romantic relationships. So, the things we like and want in these relationships can serve as our “dos” or deal-makers. While it’s true that men and women communicate differently, we’re all human and there are some basics that facilitate healthy human interaction.
The Dealmakers list
To begin, think about the things that make your best (non-romantic) relationships work – what makes them enjoyable, desirable, fun, and worthwhile? You can write them down as a short list. Be specific - i.e., mutual honesty, consistency (doing what we say we will do, others doing what they say they will do) consideration (we take our own feelings and those of others into account). When both people in a relationship bring these qualities and behaviors to the table, a healthy relationship is usually the result.
Whether you realize it consciously or not, these are your standards – stated as positive boundaries. If there’s a big disconnect between these qualities – which help your non-romantic relationships work in a healthy way - and the behaviors you accept, rationalize, adjust for or excuse from the man in your life (or the one you’re hoping to have a romantic relationship with), this should raise a big, bright red flag. You may be setting yourself up for heartache with a “Mr. Unavailable”.
Part II: Dealbreakers, or “Get thee behind me, ‘Mr. Unavailable’”
Love and peace,
Dona
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