Most of you are probably familiar with comedian Jeff Foxworthy’s now-famous, “You might be a redneck if…” Funny stuff! But before you skip this post, thinking to yourself, “No way! My Mr. Man (or Ms. Herself) may be a little bit insensitive at times, but he (she) can’t be a sociopath! They’re those crazy serial-killers, aren’t they?” Stop. Think again.
Essentially, sociopaths do not have a conscience. This means that they grasp the difference between good and bad, right and wrong, but they don’t care – that knowledge doesn’t affect their behavior. Research shows that some 4% of the population fit the definition of a sociopath. That means about one in every twenty-five people. Certainly not all are violent criminals or even engage in illegal activities. But, amoral or unethical behavior? You bet your life. Look at it this way – one in every twenty-five people can and will do anything at all – anything – without feeling the slightest twinge of guilt, remorse or conscience.
So, what are the “tells”; the signs that maybe your significant other or co-worker might be one of that one-in-twenty-five? I’ll use “he” in my examples for clarity and to be brief, with all due respect to the male population – I’m not male-bashing, I promise! These can apply to either sex and to any relationship, not just romantic involvements.
He might be a sociopath if…
• He has a superficial charm, a charisma that makes him seductive (sexually or otherwise)
• He has an over-inflated, grandiose sense of his self-worth that’s initially compelling – at first, people (you?) fall for it hook, line and sinker
• He has a strong, constant need for stimulation
• He has had trouble with the law or had behavior problems as a child which always included the failure to acknowledge responsibility for any of these problems
• He is able to lie repeatedly and convincingly without displaying any anxiety, tension or emotional distress
• He is manipulative and can “act the part” of a caring, loving person in order to get his needs met
There is no cure for sociopathy; no therapy or drug that can grow a conscience, empathy or genuine human emotion and true intimacy. People like this experience emotions differently than we do. They don’t experience love at all, nor do they bond or form positive attachments to others. Their ability to convincingly “act” as if they do is what makes them so dangerous.
How do we avoid or limit or involvement with such people? How in the world will we ever know whom to trust? If you find yourself in a struggle between your instincts and the “role” this person has chosen to present – go with your instincts. Your higher self is always observing and the impressions it receives are genuine. It’s there to protect you.
From author Martha Stout, Ph.D., whose book “The Sociopath Next Door” inspired this article, these words of wisdom:
“When considering a new relationship of any kind, practice the Rule of Threes regarding the claims and promises a person makes, and the responsibility he or she has. Make the Rule of Threes your personal policy.
One lie, one broken promise, or a single neglected responsibility may be a misunderstanding instead. Two may involve a serious mistake. But three lies say you’re dealing with a liar, and deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behavior.
Cut your losses and get out as soon as you can. Leaving, though it may be hard, will be easier now than later, and less costly. Do not give your money, your work, your secrets or your affection to a three-timer.”
Dr. Stout’s book was a godsend to me, as I have had the misfortune…uh, learning experience… of having three relationships with sociopaths in my life. One was a romantic relationship (thankfully and mercifully ended long ago), one was a friendship which cost me a very large sum of money and an even larger amount of emotional suffering, and one was a co-worker at the last corporate job I had (or ever intend to have).
A sociopath can’t be fixed. The sociopath’s behavior is not your fault, and it’s not your job to try to save, rescue or redeem him or her. Save, rescue and redeem your own life and share it with a person who will value and treasure it.
Love and peace,
Dona
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